We at the RJ Report fully admit that we understand virtually nothing about virtual currency and, therefore, have never used it, invested in it, or offered an opinion about it. However, we also understand that our reluctance to become educated on Cryptocurrency risks us being labeled as a (Heaven Forbid!) financial Luddite. So, we decided to ask Arnold, since we figured if anybody would know about it, he would.
ARNOLD
RJR: Probably a stupid question, but why are these things called Cryptocurrency?
Arnold: No, that’s a great question! Most people think that the name comes as a derivation of cryptography, in which messages are coded and transmitted secretly. They think that since money is turned into digital code and sent anonymously that it is like cryptography, hence the name. This is a common misunderstanding. The term actually comes from the ancient Gaelic “Crypt O’ Currency”, which translates to “Where money goes to die”.
RJR: Wow, that’s very helpful. So, how is cryptocurrency sent and received?
Arnold: Ah, another great question! Since cryptocurrency doesn’t really exist in the physical plane it cannot be secretly transferred from one person to another in a Walmart parking lot. So, it has to be sent across something called the internet which, as we know, is a very secure means of sending, receiving and storing information. However, because they don’t want the money to be traced easily, they set up a system called a blockchain. It is called a blockchain because the people who use it are called blockheads.
RJR: Thanks, I wondered where that term came from? Who invests in cryptocurrency? They must be very smart.
Arnold: I was wondering when you were going to ask me that. Most people think it’s terrorists and criminals. The real answer is Anarchists! Anarchists love cryptocurrency because they believe that central banks rule the world and are the source of all power, control and evil. They see crypto as a way to circumvent and destroy central banks and create a more egalitarian society. This is why you see a lot of really wealthy anarchists.
RJR: Wow, anarchists … who woulda thunk it. Since cryptocurrency has no physical form, how is it created?
Arnold: That one is obvious. Like all valuable and precious elements, crypto, like gold and coal, is mined underground. However, instead of miners in hard hats using picks and shovels, crypto is mined by guys named Clarence living in their parent’s basement.
RJR: Well, it's a good thing the crypto market is highly regulated in order to protect people. It is highly regulated, isn't it?
Arnold: Sure, it's regulated by the same people who don't know how to change their Facebook password. What could go wrong? The fact is that most people who invest in crypto are anti-regulation (we call them "Antira") and believe that regulation imposes on a free market and individual freedoms. They prefer to make decisions based on trust in guys who go only by their initials and operate businesses that have no known address. Makes sense. That is until a major exchange goes bust and all of those digital assets go "poof". Then they squeal louder than a roomful of my relatives the week before Easter. We pigs, however, have little sympathy and absolutely no empathy. As my uncle Porky once said "F F Fools and Th Th Their M M Money are S S Soon P P Parted. Th Th That's All Folks!"
RJR: Makes sense. Finally, it seems like the price of major cryptocurrencies is very volatile. How is the price determined?
Arnold: This is something that very few other than the illiterati know. So, I can only tell you if you promise to keep it secret. Many people think that the price of currencies such as Bitcoin and Ethereum are set by a pure auction market based on supply and demand. And, here comes the best part, people have been led to believe that the supply of Bitcoin is limited, with quotas being set by some guy named Satoshi who nobody’s ever seen. This is hilarious, right? Anyway, the truth is much simpler and more believable. Actually the price is set by Elon Musk, Mark Cuban, Tom Brady and Matt Damon who get together once a month, get totally stoned, throw darts at a dartboard to set the daily price for the next 30 days, and then laugh hysterically while they imagine all those poor suckers watching their life savings disappear.
Comments